Recommended Site - Seekers.org
The web is full of sites about D/s and slavery in a BDSM relationship. When we (you and anyone else at Toys) find one that holds valuable information, I hope you will pass it on to others. I discovered one such site just the other day and have spent hours looking through the articles on many aspects of the D/s experience. My review is still in progress, however, I have found so much good in it that I feel comfortable in passing it on already.
The site contains an index that covers many, many topics including some interesting articles highlighting some differences between slaves and submissives. Our situation at Toys often has both types of people applying to be part of the family. Other areas of the site deal with Dominants, one article that struck me dealt with Dominant vs Domineering , another,
Master vs Abuser meshed nicely with some my recent studies on BDSM vs Abuse . Even something on Virtual Domination and that old standby, just who's in charge here, The Illusion of Control There are far too many excellent articles for me to list here, these represent only a few that I found interesting, there were so many more. I encourage you to take a look at the site and learn what you can from it.
Below, I've reprinted an article from the site, titled To The New Submissive, but, please don't stop here. Go to the site, Seekers, and search for articles about things that interest you or that you want to learn more about or that you might find contentious. The opinions are gathered and printed from various authors, I'm sure you'll find things you agree with and maybe even some that seem totally wrong to you, just remember, we are all individuals, there is no "right way" only the way that is "right for you". Make it a journey.
To the New Submissive
Over the course of my time on line I have seen many people come and go from this lifestyle. I have seen people that had to struggle for every ounce of understanding they came by... others who it came quite naturally too. Defining who we are and what we are can only come from deep inside ourselves. This comes from the natural order of self-actualization. We strive for a better understanding of that which motivates us, what we need to survive to find contentment and peace within. What sets us aside from every other person and makes us unique in our own way.
The focus today is on the growth of the submissive and finding a way in this vast and not always easily understood lifestyle. I have sat a lot lately thinking about the why's. I have thought about the lessons I have learned along the way on my own journey. What has made me unique in my own way. How I came to the point I am. The hard and sometimes bitter lessons I learned along the way. The tears I have shed. The joys I have shared. The people that have touched my life along the way and the lessons they offered me. I have thought about what they gave me that motivated me to wish to succeed in this lifestyle; to find my own niche so to speak.
One of the first lessons I learned was To thy own self be true. What does that mean? When people first come into the lifestyle they aren't sure what it is they are seeking. But usually they find someone they admire and they want to and hope to someday be just like them. They are confused and trying to grapple with the societal norms and mores and values they are leaving behind. To make this lifestyle acceptable to their own conscious. I can remember saying , I can only hope I could become as good a submissive as so and so is someday. In the beginning I stored away so and so's pearls of wisdom. I would refer back to them over and over and try to figure out what she was telling me. I admired her willingness and her ability to submit to one. The manner and grace in which it came to her.
Now I am sure some wonder: but how did you get to that point? I had a lot of help along the way. Many Dominants influenced my formation through this time as well as the senior submissives I have known. The hardest lesson I ever had to learn was to be humble. Humble in the aspect of being able to ask for the wisdom and training I needed to become what I am today. To say I don't know how to do this and I need help. To define where I was and where I was going. To define what I was seeking. The most important issue was to define who I was. Independent of any Dominant or male. Its okay to not know in the beginning but you must be honest with yourself and others along the journey.
The weak didn't survive in this lifestyle. It isn't for everyone. Very few submissives actually make it in the lifestyle for very long. Many burn out after a few months or a couple years returning to the vanilla life. The ones that burn out are the ones that couldn't seem to follow the rules, are looking for someone to rescue them and take them away , or were just in it for the game. They had a mental block against learning. They couldn't find a Dom that met all their specifications. So they have a history of going through Doms as quickly as they changed their underwear. So the ones that do make it, how did they do it????
The ones that make it know what they are looking for. They understand the value of taking care of heart and home first. They understand the value of learning. They understand the value of making themselves available for learning from those that touch their lives. They understand that all learning may not involve a love relationship but a mutual understanding of honesty and respect. They have taken the time to determine what is and is not a priority in their lives. Learning to become and draw out the submissive part of yourself into the wide open is a very mentally taxing journey. BECAUSE it is such a mentally taxing journey you need to keep yourself physically healthy as well as emotionally and mentally. The most important aspect to me always has been honesty in all my affairs.
Okay so let’s break out each of the above..
The ones that make it know what they are looking for.
This submissive has set down and taken the time to look at all facets of her personality and her life. She determines what areas need work on. She has determined what it is she is looking for. She knows the profile of the man she responds best too. The sort of man that turns her juices on, so to speak. With this she has come to the understanding that although she may desires the ever after it may not be there. She lives for today and doesn't worry about tomorrow. In other words she doesn't fret over what hasn't happened yet. She knows what she wishes to seek. She may decide she wishes a period in an unattached relationship. She may decide what she wants is to learn, as a submissive. Its doesn't mean that it will stay that way. As she grows in her submission she will determine she needs different things as she grows. That is the natural order of things. She must first determine what she values the most and work from that. She must correct the personality flaws she knows are there with help or alone. She knows she must function from a level of honesty, trust, respect and desire to learn an openness, and being responsible for her own actions.
They understand the value of taking care of heart and home first.
She focuses on being healthy both mentally and physically. This means she eats well, sleeps well, and exercises. She challenges herself. She develops a routine. Arise at the same time. Eat healthy three times a day. Makes sure she exercises at least three times a week. If she is alone (single) she holds a job. She can support herself independently of a man. She knows a Dom will be looking at those things. The giving up of this is by choice not because she has no other option. If she has children she knows they must come first. She has responsibility. She embraces that responsibility and cares for those dependent on her for their own care as a Dom would care for her. She knows a mentally and healthy sub is very important when a Dom is looking you over.
They understand the value of learning. They understand the value of making themselves available for learning from those that touch their lives.
She does her research. She reads everything she can get her hands on. She increases her knowledge base. She knows a good submissive is intellectual, educated in affairs a Dom may wish to discuss, her manners are perfect, she carries herself with poise and grace. Her walk is elegant. Her reputation is beyond reproach. She functions from a very honest base. She knows how to present herself in social affairs She knows what it means to be the lady. When she comes across someone that could give her good solid advice and expand her knowledge base and her growth as a submissive she welcomes this. She is open to learning. She doesn't look at will this last forever. but I will enjoy this communication for the time that is lasts. I will grow from this. I used to always say I will give anything 3-6 months. The submissive understands good things come slowly to those that wait and have patience. PATIENCE is the key. she also understands she need not have a physical attraction to the one she is learning from but a connection and a desire to learn is uppermost.
I have had people that I went too with nothing more than a desire to learn what they had to offer. They had something I wanted. Something I wanted to learn about as a submissive. I valued the time they offered me to teach me. The lessons were many times hard. I cried many tears of not understanding. I hated them at times. I had temper tantrums. I learned to open myself to what they had to teach me. I learned to create a journal and write out what I felt. I learned to be totally honest with my emotions to not hide what was going on inside me... to allow a glimpse of what I was and where I was headed. I learned where my true limits were and weren't. In the beginning I felt I had tons of limits. I learned most of my limits came from my own fear. Fear I couldn't do it or fear how others would look at me if I did that. Once I gave up that fear... away went many limits. Again opening myself to learning and growth as a submissive. I learned to love them and respect them for what they taught me about myself. From this my submission opened and grew. and GREW and GREW!!
They understand that all learning may not involve a love relationship but a mutual understanding of honesty and respect.
I have met people I was involved with for understanding and learning. They were not love matches; but we shared a mutual respect for each other. We shared a bond of honesty, trust, commitment to the process of learning. We knew that the time for learning would come to a end at some point. We enjoyed each other for the time we shared. From it gave me different aspects of the lifestyle. I learned many different styles of domination. I learned many different styles of playing. I learned to expand my limits. I learned what I did and did not like in play. I learned where my psychological edges were. The one thing I found was I came to love them... not be in love with them: a big difference. This opens so many doors for you. You over time seek these people out for matters that affect you. You learn to ask them for help. They guide you and you follow that direction. However when its over... and the learning completed they can teach you nothing more (which does happen) she knows when to say its done completed and move on. She parts amicably. NO regrets. NO antagonism. She moves on freely.
They have taken the time to determine what is and is not a priority in their lives.
They understand home fires staying under control and balance is crucial to their ability to learn. I have seen many subs who were so engrossed in their on-line and real-time activities they have allowed their home life to deteriorate. They haven't done laundry or dishes in weeks. They put off paying bills. They ignore their children or spouse as the case may be. They haven't been outside their home except for work in months. If they don't work on-line becomes their entire focus. They sit on-line daily for hours at a time searching for that DOM. They become high maintenance because they have nothing else in their lives by THEIR OWN CHOICE. They have allowed their life to become unbalanced. Their priorities are screwed up. My children and their well-being and activities come first in my life. Master has always respected me for that choice. I know what my priorities are. I was never looking for someone to rescue me from my life.
Learning to become and draw out the submissive part of yourself into the wide open is a very mentally taxing journey. BECAUSE it is such a mentally taxing journey you need to keep yourself physically healthy as well as emotionally and mentally.
One of the things I was told long ago is a mentally unhealthy person doesn't belong in this lifestyle. It took me awhile to get the true understanding of this. If my self-esteem is trashed.... I would have a hard time opening myself to one that is willing to teach me. it will drain me emotionally. I have to have a confidence in what I am doing. I have to know what I want and be willing to open myself mentally and remain strong and sure of myself. I cannot be the submissive I wish to be if I harbor feelings of suspiciousness or jealousy. I cannot monopolize the time of someone without understanding they have others responsibilities. They may and usually do have other things going on in their life. They may be involved in work and societal responsibilities. I have to understand that time is valuable but their keeping their life balanced is just as important. They have to keep their life in control in order to control mine if given the opportunity to do so.
The most important aspect to me always has been honesty in all my affairs.
This is difficult for many people coming into the lifestyle. I know it should be easy but it always isn't. Telling little white lies will destroy you and your reputation within the Community. Sometimes we call this brutal honesty. I am brutal with myself many times. I will however admit I do have periods of denial. BUT it is my attempt to always be honest in my dealings with others. WHICH to me meant when I commit myself to someone as a submissive I stop looking for others. I focus on Master now and what he has to teach me about myself. Believe me anything you do will become common knowledge eventually. You screw someone over and others will find out about it . It's those things they remember. I highly respect the sub or Dom that says I am involved with you but I will continue to look for the perfect partner.
This is as I think and feel a submissive should make her/his journey. We all have to have standards which we follow and ones we can live with. We all wish for that perfect Dominant. However we do understand this may be down the road. In the meantime we grasp at the opportunities offered us. We do so in a honest and trustworthy manner. We always keep in mind our reputation and our standing in the community. If you want others around you to admire you and your ability as a submissive you learn how to present yourself to others in the best form. We take care of our priorities and others see this. As a submissive you always have choices... we hope on your journey you make the right choices and you always have the backing of the community in your endeavours. My goal has always been to be the best submissive I could be. I think I am making progress and I am always still learning. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
For you new submissives out there reading this, I wish you the best of luck and a happy journey. It will not be easy: growth and change comes hard. Sometimes with many tears. But from it you will become stronger and more sure of yourself and you will see direction and guidance as the key to your success. Grab the brass ring and fly into a world of learning and knowledge that is there for you.