Is It BDSM or Abuse?

The other night I was approached by a very confused and frightened girl. She had recently met a Master on an online site and made the decision to give up everything to go live with him in Real Life. Her friends had become alarmed at some of the things she was telling them about this new acquaintance and the girl had begun to wonder if she was making a mistake. I learned later on in the conversation that some of the friends were actually involved in the D/s community which gave their concerns even more weight in her eyes.

She took her concerns to her new Master and he seemed less than sympathetic, instead making it seem like she wasn't committed enough for him. And her questions about some of the things he had proposed doing to her unworthy of his comment. Some of the things she described were alarming, but, who can tell whether they were the posturings of a newbie Master or someone seriously unhinged.

Following some recent events, I had looked into the BDSM vs. Abuse question myself and was able to give her some suggestions on reading material. One of the things was the table I've reproduced below, it was on a website with one of those annoying jiggly "you've just won an ipad, click here" ads that make me want to leave right away before someone gets my info and spams me into next Tuesday. Here's the address, there is more info there...the table is just too good not to pass on. 

http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/christy/347/dsnabuse.htm

Another site that I've found thought provoking and helpful can be found here. Kinkylittlegirl, the author, indicates that the site has morphed from being just about BDSM into one that looks at all types of abuse. The sections on BDSM are full of links to informed and on point commentary on the subject, tables like the one below are not uncommon. Visit her site and read her interesting articles and give the links a close look...

kinkylittlegirl - Abuse

One of her recent posts might give you pause, When is abuse not abuse?

You'll find lots of places to get advice and fetish friendly help on the net. Have a critical eye, but, Read, Read, Read...If you like print, one of the most helpful books out there about all things BDSM and an excellent starting point is Jay Wiseman's SM101, it's available from many booksellers, his publisher's siteGreenery Press even as an e-book from Amazon. His isn't the only book, but, it opens with some great advice about D/s relationships and emphasizes communication and consent then continues on with some practical advice.

Help with this issue is available in a number of Discussion Groups inside of Fetlife. You will need to sign up for Fetlife to participate, but, it's free and an excellent source of all things fetish FetLife. 

Finally, What has this got to do with Second Life? People visit the BDSM community in Second Life hoping to find something that either enhances their real life or to explore something they feel they are missing or something they are anxious to try. Granted some of the people we meet are strictly here for roleplay, but, if they take their role seriously, we hope that they have some real life experience or at the very least pledge to do no harm.

We cannot take a cavalier approach to what we do. The avatar opposite has a real live person at the other end. At the very least you might ruin their experience and at the worst you could cause some real psychological harm to an already fragile psyche.

If you are a submissive in Second Life and you see these things happening to you, protest, ask the abuser to stop. It's your responsibility to yourself. Don't argue with them, they aren't worth the trouble and upset. Unfortunate as it is, in a way you're lucky...you can log off, get out of there and avoid that person in future. Don't feel that you have to put up with abuse, it's not your fault, no matter how much the abuser may want you to think it is.

BDSM	ABUSE
A BDSM relationship starts with a friendship, love and concern. You care for each other's happiness. All involved will feel good and will be happy, no one is sorry.	In an abusive relationship someone is always sorry, someone is always hurt. The only happiness is that of the abuser - the abuser cares about their own happiness, and the victim is most concerned with keeping the abuser happy to avoid more / worse abuse.
BDSM is Consensual	The abuser isn't concerned with having permission they just do whatever they desire.
Submission is a gift that is given to the Dominant. The submissive chooses to obey, to give up control and keep choosing from moment to moment; day to day. The choice can be taken back at any time.	When the submission is taken / forced it becomes abuse. It is no longer submission and the individual becomes a victim. In an abusive situation there is no choice, you obey to keep peace and in the hope not to get hurt worst.
The Dominant creates a desire to serve out of love - they don't want the submissive to fear them. They are respectful, polite, caring, giving and kind.	An abuser forces the submission though fear and degrading an individual so they can feel strong and important. Demanding the submission one becomes a victim not a sub.
You are partners working as a team caring very much about the other's happiness and well being	The abuser isn't concerned about how the other feels or their well being.
BDSM is controlled - Negotiations are done to assure all involved are comfortable with what will be happening and there are no fears.	Abuse is out of control no one knows what will happen. There is no shared plan the abuser makes the decisions without any negotiations.
Limits are set to assure that it doesn't go any futher than is safe.	No limits are set to take into consideration what the victim wants or values.
The Dominant is very careful to make sure the sub feels safe and happy, and keeps them feeling that way. The Dominant takes the responsibility to assure the happiness and safety of a sub.	An abuser is neither.
Safe words/colors are chosen to stop the scene or let the individual know it is getting close to being too much.	No safety net at all, the abuser is feeding on fear to control the victim - they don't care if it pushes too far. The abuser is the only one that chooses when it is enough; the victim has no choice.
Precautions are taken so there are no injury physically or mentally.	In an Abusive situation the victim is left hurt either physically or mentally.
Most individuals involved in BDSM will be careful enter a scene without alcohol/drugs or emotional upset impairing their judgment.	An abuser isn't concerned if judgement is impaired by drugs or alcohol or emotional upset.
The submissive is responsible for her own happiness in life, but during a scene, the responsibility is the Dominant's. The Dominant teaches the sub to be strong.
If humiliation is involved in a BDSM relationship it is done out of pride - they are proud to show the sub off in public, proud they are their slut. The sub won't feel bad about the words and/or actions they will make the sub blush but they are excited and pleased.	In an abusive relationship the humiliation is done in a degrading manner to make someone feel worthless so the Abuser can be the number One in the relationship - they will insult the looks, the way things are performed or do something in public not for pleasure but to show they are in control. The words or actions hurt.

I hope this gets you thinking.

See you in Second Life, a place for completely safe and consensual relationships. If only abuse in Real Life was so easy to stop.

Marine Kelley's Restrained Love Viewer

I recently did a post on setting up RLV in Firestorm. Now, for Marine Kelley's original version.

One of the most respected viewers in Second Life is Marine Kelley's RLV. Once used almost exclusively by the D/s community, residents have found lots of ways to use it.
Want to know more about RLV? See my post here...
What is Restrained Love?

Marine's follows the Linden viewer platform. This version includes the very latest user interface changes.
I've included the links to the pages used below the video.
Go ahead, don't be shy, give it a try.
Click the video and watch in full screen and 720p HD for the best experience

http://wiki.secondlife.com/wiki/Third_Party_Viewer_Directory
http://www.erestraint.com/realrestraint/
See you soon in Second Life!

Restrained Love in Firestorm

I've created a new video about RLV, Restrained Love, for Firestorm.
If you are used to using the Linden viewer 2 / 3 platform, the Phoenix team and their V3 Default setting for the viewer makes Firestorm an attractive option. 
If you are unsure what Restrained Love means, see my blog post here
What is Restrained Love (RLV)?


Watch the video for information on where to find Firestorm and then how to activate RLV.
For the best results, open the video and watch in in full screen and HD

Age Verification Changes in Second Life

What an incredible breath of fresh air. Gone is the age verification system that had people from all over the world sending passport, driver's license and SSN information for verification...yea!

To replace it a new age verification process, and this may sound familiar, you enter your date of birth, check a box verifying that it is true, then submit.

Yes, just that simple.

Go to your Dashboard, you'll find it under the Me menu, then Account and on that drop-down(mine always seems to be open to Account) choose Age Verification. There you'll find the boxes to enter your date of birth. If you have already given this information to Linden at some point, the boxes will be already filled in, mine were, then, put a checkmark in the box verifying that the information is true and submit.

Submitting this information is the first step, now go to your Preferences in the viewer (Ctrl+P) or (Me menu, Preferences, General) and change your preferences to allow you to view all content (General, Moderate and Adult).

So, there you are. If you've avoided checking out the incredible part of Second Life that is Adult because you were concerned about giving your private information...that bar has been lifted.

Come in and see what we have to offer. 

I think you'll like it.

See you in Second life! 

Erotic Stories and Second Life

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Toys Brothel - A Tour

How I Learned to Love Sex in Second Life


A Tour of Toy Slaves Brothel. It seemed like such a simple task, but, now on my 4th version I can feel the pain.
In time, I may post some of the other versions. One even had sexy video running barely visible behind the tour, I really liked that one, but, it was impractical.
I think you'll like this version and I hope you will offer your comments.
So without further ado, here is the video.
For those without sound, the script is available below it.

Click the video and view it in HD and full screen for the best experience


www.toybrothel.com

As promised, here is the script...

Welcome to Toy Slaves Brothel and the world of sex in Second Life.  Toy Slaves Brothel is a premiere purveyor of all types of sex in second life, we can handle your request, kinky or straight (sorry no age/child play) .  Visit our club for an always enjoyable time, we boast some of the prettiest girls in all of Second Life.  Our girls are only too happy to serve.

Have a seat at the main stage, the bar or on any of the comfortable sofas. The music you hear is from our very own radio station, Brothel Radio, you'll hear things here you won't at other places and we're available in the World Wide Web too.

Settle back and watch the girls dance, there is no charge, but, the girls love tips and are sure to show a little, hmmm appreciation. Don't be shy, talked to them, they are very friendly.

Take a look at our escort boards, after all, we're a brothel.  All of the girls have tested as submissives and we have a special area for Dominants, a nod to our D/s DNA.  We're quite proud of our training and we've opened up some of it for new residents to Second Life The triple X theatre here by the boards includes instructional videos and panels along with some other essentials for your adult experience.

As we continue on our walk around the main club, we come upon storefronts that  showcase our play areas. The first of these is the Pain Prison, you'll need to hire one of the girls to get there. The teleport pad is private. The play areas are located on one of our other 4 islands, we keep lag under control that way. Looking around you'll see some familiar and not so familiar pieces of equipment. This is definitely our strongest sadomasochistic area, Dolcett play is available and we can fulfil almost any request with enough notice.

Next is our Femdom salon, a place to fulfil your worship and punishment needs. Check out the wrestling ring and the salon services for that special spa experience. Especially popular here is the sofa. I think this is perhaps Madame Aprille's favourite place.

Ah Asian, one of my favourite places, maybe it's because it is a copy of my SL home. Here in the shadow of Mount Fuji  we find many of the devices we expect at Toys, special though is the Shibari frame and the waterfall. I always feel relaxed here and it seems to rub off.

Ask about our bukkake experience, invite your friends or join one of our groups.

Arabian Nights is one of the areas, along with the Malibu Beach, that we've opened to the public. It's free to visit and includes everything you'll need for a truly memorable sexual experience. Click on the map teleporter in front of the storefront in the club. There are beautiful lounges, pools, furs and beds...explore with your special someone and find your favourite place.

Anchored just off the coast is our Mediterranean Pirate ship. Abandon yourself to sex under the stars or in the sumptuous Captain's quarters. A wonderful place for role play, check out the toys available on deck or in the hold. This poor fellow ran afoul  of the Pirate Queen. Take one of our girls and be her Captain.

The Italian Villa is home to our Italian Top Models. It, along with the French Villa is one of our most popular areas both with the girls and our clients. It has three levels, a cellar...fitted out as a dungeon play area, a second floor bed and bath and a main floor living area. The main floor area is complete with a kitchen, living and dining area. Those dents in the fridge are from my heels. We use everything here, try the counter, the sink, the sofas and of course the dining room table.

Adjacent to the villa is the TP pad to one of our newest areas, the orgy room can accommodate you and up to 9 of your friends, you'll need to hire one or more of the girls to obtain access, but, how many people use her and how is entirely up to you. The wall paintings alone are enough to get the juices flowing and the animations and pose combinations are superb. Why not give it a try someday soon, make it a party.

Out next stop is nestled in the French countryside. It has everything you've come to expect plus some of its own special equipment. While the Master nestles comfortably in the bedroom upstairs his next playthings wait for him in the cellar. The tub here is especially nice as is the foot fetish couch.

We are very lucky to have the Second Life University at Toy Slaves located here. The university is valuable in teaching our girls to behave and giving them both medical attention and physical exercise. The girls love it here using everything from the student commons, to the gymnasium(where the equipment serves dual roles) to the football field. Oh, there's a girl now, oh my!

On to Doll Island and the Malibu Beach. Doll Island is a Second Life institution, yes, this is the place. It houses the Doll Mall with things for everyone and so much more, punishment, pleasure and just relaxing. Should I say watch out for traps?

Have you been a good dolly or a bad dolly?

Doll is a hangout and playground for doll lovers, a place where you can feel free to explore your dreams and fantasies with other people who understand.  It is the home of the Pleasure Dolls group,  over 1500 people that love sexual role-play, femdom, latex and rubber, BDSM, bimbofication, hypnosis, mind control and human to doll enslavement.  Members love short and long Role Play (RP) activity. Feel free to help out by tossing a tip into one of the tip boxes.

Right next door is the Malibu Beach Babes area. The equipment here is free to use and it's everywhere. Sit around one of the fires or enjoy one of the beds, oh and don't miss out on the WV bus.

Thinking you just want a private dance, some time alone with a girl or a quick little something? Maybe our skyboxes are just what you're looking for. Choose a girl and give her your preference, she'll teleport you to one of the boxes. Our skyboxes, among other things, include a private grotto, a Vegas room, cozy winter retreat and a place at the beach.

If you decide to join us as a slave this is a very quick peek at the Phase2 training area. It prepares you for your service to Madame in the club and starts you on the path to embracing your slavery. I won't tell you much more than that here, if you're interested click the burgundy sign behind the bar to get started.

This area is where our family comes to relax, we have games and activities everything from popular SL games like Greedy to boats and flying carpets...even a firing range.

It is a private family area. Long term Dominants and Toy Slaves live here. The Toy Slave tag denotes an alpha girl, someone who has committed to Madame and given up her freedom forever. We don't value our Dancers and Escorts any less, it's just that they haven't yet made that commitment. In many cases because they haven't been with us long enough.

This  video was shot at Toy Slaves Brothel in Second Life. We're very proud of the hard work our girls put into making this a very special place that we're all proud of. We hope you'll come to visit us in world or on the World Wide Web.

If you have questions, come in and ask a girl, they'll be happy to help.

and

Thank you so much for watching

What is Restrained Love (RLV)?

The Restrained Love Viewer (RLV) is a different way of experiencing Second Life. For those interested in exploring dominance and submission it provides opportunities to make those Second Life experiences more real and the control and power exchange deeper and more involving.

The Restrained Love Viewer is an alternative to the standard Second Life Viewer. It was created by Marine Kelley. She, along with others have created a wide range of restraints that use the capabilities the viewer provides to make a true restraint experience in Second Life. Most collars and many of the restraints you find in the BDSM or D/s environments in Second Life use RLV to make them inescapable to a submissive or slave using the Restrained Love Viewer. By using RLV the bottom gives away their control to the Dominant. The Dominant does not need to be in the Restrained Love Viewer, the submissive uses it.

The slaves at Toys Brothel are in RLV with an active relay always ready to serve.

Among the experiences you can have with the Restrained Love Viewer that are not possible with standard Second Life include:

❤  Limits to communication - Blocked chat, IM's or notecards, hidden names and locations

❤ Forced stripping and wearing of clothes and attachments

❤   Inescapable cages and other bondage devices

❤   Forced tp anywhere your dom may want to send you

❤   Loss of privacy due to monitoring of your Second Life experience and communication

❤   Sensory deprivation limiting vision, sound, and touch

❤   Limits to your mobility in Second Life

You might invest in any of a number of control devices for your submissive, however, there are free relays available on Marketplace

https://marketplace.secondlife.com/ 

Search for RLV relay and you will find some free items, if you are a resident of Second Life you'll see more by signing in and if you are adult verified in Second Life even more.

As noted most collars already operate in RLV. You only need to know the collar commands.

I've included the following link as it provides an easy reference for the Amethyst Collar (available at Sensations) a very popular collar brand in Second life and illustrates the type of things you can do with RLV and just the collar. The Amethyst collar is by no means the only collar available. The author of the pdf Duchesse Klip Klaar asks for a donation of 19L$ (about 7 or 8 cents) paid in world.

http://www.myway.de/klipklaar/Amethyst_Collar_Commands_V1.5.1.pdf

The same information is available in a note card for free when you buy the collar(without the nice cataloging of commands or the pretty pictures). 

There are many brands of collars available, some are even free. Instructions and commands for collars are usually contained in note cards included with the collar.

Why would anyone want to have these experiences in Second Life? It's because control and power exchange lies at the heart of the dominance and submission experience. The Restrained Life Viewer makes it all more possible and real in the world of Second Life.

Safe Words for Sex Slaves

Sorry about the quality of the video that goes with this post, but, I had to post it. Safe Words are no joke, maybe this humorous video does more to illustrate that than any amount of preaching we could do.



We support the use of safe words for our slaves at Toy Slaves Brothel.
Anyone who has been involved in Second Life for more than a few days will recognize that many of us identify very closely with what happens to our avatars. It is why D/s and BDSM work so well in the huge community of practitioners in Second Life.
If it is happening to your avatar, you feel it too. Our Dominants are instructed to get a safeword, sometimes the experience is that intense. It seems crazy somehow, but, one of my limits in Real Life is cutting, believe it or not, it freaks me out just as much in Second Life.

Come visit us in world, we have all the tools necessary for you to try it out.
http://www.toybrothel.com/
Never been to Second Life, join now for free...Adult is available in the Advanced setting of the viewer
secondlife.com