Is It BDSM or Abuse?

The other night I was approached by a very confused and frightened girl. She had recently met a Master on an online site and made the decision to give up everything to go live with him in Real Life. Her friends had become alarmed at some of the things she was telling them about this new acquaintance and the girl had begun to wonder if she was making a mistake. I learned later on in the conversation that some of the friends were actually involved in the D/s community which gave their concerns even more weight in her eyes.

She took her concerns to her new Master and he seemed less than sympathetic, instead making it seem like she wasn't committed enough for him. And her questions about some of the things he had proposed doing to her unworthy of his comment. Some of the things she described were alarming, but, who can tell whether they were the posturings of a newbie Master or someone seriously unhinged.

Following some recent events, I had looked into the BDSM vs. Abuse question myself and was able to give her some suggestions on reading material. One of the things was the table I've reproduced below, it was on a website with one of those annoying jiggly "you've just won an ipad, click here" ads that make me want to leave right away before someone gets my info and spams me into next Tuesday. Here's the address, there is more info there...the table is just too good not to pass on. 

http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/christy/347/dsnabuse.htm

Another site that I've found thought provoking and helpful can be found here. Kinkylittlegirl, the author, indicates that the site has morphed from being just about BDSM into one that looks at all types of abuse. The sections on BDSM are full of links to informed and on point commentary on the subject, tables like the one below are not uncommon. Visit her site and read her interesting articles and give the links a close look...

kinkylittlegirl - Abuse

One of her recent posts might give you pause, When is abuse not abuse?

You'll find lots of places to get advice and fetish friendly help on the net. Have a critical eye, but, Read, Read, Read...If you like print, one of the most helpful books out there about all things BDSM and an excellent starting point is Jay Wiseman's SM101, it's available from many booksellers, his publisher's siteGreenery Press even as an e-book from Amazon. His isn't the only book, but, it opens with some great advice about D/s relationships and emphasizes communication and consent then continues on with some practical advice.

Help with this issue is available in a number of Discussion Groups inside of Fetlife. You will need to sign up for Fetlife to participate, but, it's free and an excellent source of all things fetish FetLife. 

Finally, What has this got to do with Second Life? People visit the BDSM community in Second Life hoping to find something that either enhances their real life or to explore something they feel they are missing or something they are anxious to try. Granted some of the people we meet are strictly here for roleplay, but, if they take their role seriously, we hope that they have some real life experience or at the very least pledge to do no harm.

We cannot take a cavalier approach to what we do. The avatar opposite has a real live person at the other end. At the very least you might ruin their experience and at the worst you could cause some real psychological harm to an already fragile psyche.

If you are a submissive in Second Life and you see these things happening to you, protest, ask the abuser to stop. It's your responsibility to yourself. Don't argue with them, they aren't worth the trouble and upset. Unfortunate as it is, in a way you're lucky...you can log off, get out of there and avoid that person in future. Don't feel that you have to put up with abuse, it's not your fault, no matter how much the abuser may want you to think it is.

BDSM	ABUSE
A BDSM relationship starts with a friendship, love and concern. You care for each other's happiness. All involved will feel good and will be happy, no one is sorry.	In an abusive relationship someone is always sorry, someone is always hurt. The only happiness is that of the abuser - the abuser cares about their own happiness, and the victim is most concerned with keeping the abuser happy to avoid more / worse abuse.
BDSM is Consensual	The abuser isn't concerned with having permission they just do whatever they desire.
Submission is a gift that is given to the Dominant. The submissive chooses to obey, to give up control and keep choosing from moment to moment; day to day. The choice can be taken back at any time.	When the submission is taken / forced it becomes abuse. It is no longer submission and the individual becomes a victim. In an abusive situation there is no choice, you obey to keep peace and in the hope not to get hurt worst.
The Dominant creates a desire to serve out of love - they don't want the submissive to fear them. They are respectful, polite, caring, giving and kind.	An abuser forces the submission though fear and degrading an individual so they can feel strong and important. Demanding the submission one becomes a victim not a sub.
You are partners working as a team caring very much about the other's happiness and well being	The abuser isn't concerned about how the other feels or their well being.
BDSM is controlled - Negotiations are done to assure all involved are comfortable with what will be happening and there are no fears.	Abuse is out of control no one knows what will happen. There is no shared plan the abuser makes the decisions without any negotiations.
Limits are set to assure that it doesn't go any futher than is safe.	No limits are set to take into consideration what the victim wants or values.
The Dominant is very careful to make sure the sub feels safe and happy, and keeps them feeling that way. The Dominant takes the responsibility to assure the happiness and safety of a sub.	An abuser is neither.
Safe words/colors are chosen to stop the scene or let the individual know it is getting close to being too much.	No safety net at all, the abuser is feeding on fear to control the victim - they don't care if it pushes too far. The abuser is the only one that chooses when it is enough; the victim has no choice.
Precautions are taken so there are no injury physically or mentally.	In an Abusive situation the victim is left hurt either physically or mentally.
Most individuals involved in BDSM will be careful enter a scene without alcohol/drugs or emotional upset impairing their judgment.	An abuser isn't concerned if judgement is impaired by drugs or alcohol or emotional upset.
The submissive is responsible for her own happiness in life, but during a scene, the responsibility is the Dominant's. The Dominant teaches the sub to be strong.
If humiliation is involved in a BDSM relationship it is done out of pride - they are proud to show the sub off in public, proud they are their slut. The sub won't feel bad about the words and/or actions they will make the sub blush but they are excited and pleased.	In an abusive relationship the humiliation is done in a degrading manner to make someone feel worthless so the Abuser can be the number One in the relationship - they will insult the looks, the way things are performed or do something in public not for pleasure but to show they are in control. The words or actions hurt.

I hope this gets you thinking.

See you in Second Life, a place for completely safe and consensual relationships. If only abuse in Real Life was so easy to stop.

Marine Kelley's Restrained Love Viewer

I recently did a post on setting up RLV in Firestorm. Now, for Marine Kelley's original version.

One of the most respected viewers in Second Life is Marine Kelley's RLV. Once used almost exclusively by the D/s community, residents have found lots of ways to use it.
Want to know more about RLV? See my post here...
What is Restrained Love?

Marine's follows the Linden viewer platform. This version includes the very latest user interface changes.
I've included the links to the pages used below the video.
Go ahead, don't be shy, give it a try.
Click the video and watch in full screen and 720p HD for the best experience

http://wiki.secondlife.com/wiki/Third_Party_Viewer_Directory
http://www.erestraint.com/realrestraint/
See you soon in Second Life!

Protect Yourself in Second Life

If you're in business in Second Life, especially, my kind of business, it's always wise to protect yourself by saving your Chat and IM logs to your computer.
I've posted a video showing how to do it in Firestorm, Restrained Love, the Linden Viewer and Phoenix.
Be careful how you use the logs, they're for your protection and enjoyment. Sharing them with others without their permission is viewed by some as a violation of the Terms of Service.
Why get into the whole debate, be safe rather than sorry...keep them private.
Click on the video and view it full screen and in HD (720p)

See you in Second Life

Restrained Love in Firestorm

I've created a new video about RLV, Restrained Love, for Firestorm.
If you are used to using the Linden viewer 2 / 3 platform, the Phoenix team and their V3 Default setting for the viewer makes Firestorm an attractive option. 
If you are unsure what Restrained Love means, see my blog post here
What is Restrained Love (RLV)?


Watch the video for information on where to find Firestorm and then how to activate RLV.
For the best results, open the video and watch in in full screen and HD

Great News! Firestorm Now Gives Option for V2/3 interface

Oh my goodness! So much good news, I may just burst.
I downloaded the latest version of the Firestorm viewer, still in beta, but, now enabled for Mesh.


Besides the Mesh ability (viewers not  so enabled do not see objects in mesh properly) the viewer start-up screen now gives the option to mimic V3 (the Linden viewer) or v1 (the old style interface) when you install Firestorm.
If you have been following my posts, you'll know that I created a video recently that illustrated how to make the standard Firestorm viewer look like the Linden Viewer. Happily, those instructions have been made unnecessary by the developers at Firestorm...Bravo!


Another piece of news hot off the presses for you viewer 1 people is that Phoenix will have mesh support. The developers at Phoenix correctly give credit to Henri Beauchamp (Cool VL viewer developer) for this development, but, caution that it's akin to  ( I love Jessica's metaphor) "putting the diesel engine from a bus into a Ford Pinto". You can read all of her comments on the Phoenix blog. 
Phoenix Viewer Gets Mesh   
It should be required reading for anyone still using the Phoenix viewer.


See you in world! maybe more people will be able to see my pretty mesh miniskirt now.

Color Under Cursor - Finding the RGB Values in Second Life

I'm sure that I mentioned I had a bunch of things I wanted to add here after my couple of weeks in a funk.
Here's another. I have a number of programs, mostly free, for getting the colours from objects, backgrounds, pages on my screen, you name it. Here's an application inside Second Life, it's not hidden, but, I think a lot of people don't know about it.
It can be helpful for matching colours in objects that you can modify.
Here's a short video, I've captioned it and also included the script below it.


 Click on it and watch in full screen



and...here's the script

Here's a neat little trick I use sometimes. It can be great for finding the RGB values of any object and then matching them. It is particularly useful for getting close to your skin shade for shoes.

You'll need the Developer menu to access "Color Under Cursor"

If you don't have it enabled, go to your preferences and under the Advanced tab check the box to show it. Click okay to save your new settings.

Now, left click Develop on the Menu and on the first drop down choose Show info, then on the next drop down select Show color under cursor.

Once you've done that look in the lower right of the screen to see the RGB values under wherever your cursor rests (they'll be the first 3 numbers).

When using the numbers for skin shading, I suggest that you set your sun to midday. Things like full bright settings in the shoes can affect the result so play around a little, it's worth it once you get them right.

Make Firestorm Look & Feel Like Linden Labs' Viewer 2

Just my feeling that some of our residents who learned on Viewer 2 might like the magic decoder ring to help them find regular menus and the Sidebar.
Firestorm is an excellent full featured viewer. The viewer has been set with defaults that in a few cases, not many actually, look like the old viewer 1 UI that some of you won't be familiar with. I hope the video helps.
It is in HD, for best viewing click on it and watch in full screen and set to HD



The link to the Phoenix site is...
Firestorm Beta Download


The video is captioned, but, I've included the script here...
The Firestorm viewer is a feature packed user interface based on the Linden viewer 2.  It was developed by the Phoenix team, one of the most robust third party viewer providers.  Because the viewer is intended to make the transition from the old style phoenix viewer, it contains some elements that you may not be familiar with if you currently use Linden's viewer 2.

The settings that I'll demonstrate here are only recommendations. You will no doubt customize the viewer in the future. 

If you haven't already downloaded the viewer, go to http://www.phoenixviewer.com/ and choose the Firestorm Beta viewer for the platform you use.  Once you install it, we will make some changes.

On the bottom bar there are a number of icons that we can remove.  The viewer comes without a sidebar as the default.  Later, we'll learn how to choose a sidebar version.  What you take out of the bottom bar is up to you, I've removed a few things that are either repeated in the sidebar or on the top bar or seldom used.

The old viewer one interface used a pie menu and that menu comes as the default in Firestorm.  The pie menu does not exist in viewer 2, we'll learn how to change it.

Go to the Avatar (Me) menu item on the top bar, click and from the dropdown menu choose Preferences.  Now let's begin...

Under the general tab will set the away timeout to "never" and turn off UI Hints.

On the next tab "Chat" we'll turn off the typing animation and set chat to begin when we press letter keys. Turn on Group Chat pop ups if you follow any groups.

In Sound & Media, I turn off sounds, strictly a personal preference, not a recommendation.

In Network and Cache you can increase your bandwidth, if you have a strong connection. this is where you can modify the location of your chat logs, if you wish.

I like to use the arrow keys for movement, they're set in the Move & View tab.

In the Privacy tab you can set the viewer to save your chat and IM. Showing favourite LMs at login can be useful if you have favourite locations set up in landmarks.

I sometimes use the Developer and Advanced menus, they are set under the Advanced tab

Next we'll get rid of that pesky pie menu under the UI Extras and at the same time have the script dialogs stay where we're used to them by turning off the option to see them in the upper right

Now to get the Sidebar back...open the Skins tab and choose a skin with Side Tabs

Only if you use RLV, you'll see an option under the Firestorm tab to "Allow remote scripted viewer controls(RLVa)" make sure it is checked. The same option is also available under the Advanced menu, both do the same thing.

Many of the changes we've made require a viewer restart, so click Apply then OK and log out. When you log back in the changes will be in effect.